In front of all their friends and their 10-year-old son, Clark and
Valerie Tate came together for a special ceremony on a California beach.
But this couple wasn't renewing their vows. They were “uncoupling.”
In a new age ritual that might only be found in San Francisco, Clark and
Valerie took the wedding rings they exchanged 14 years ago and gave
them back to each other.
“These rings do not symbolize who we are to each other anymore,” Clark said.
“So we’re releasing them,” Valerie added.
They no longer consider each other husband and wife, not even romantic
partners, but they have decided to continue living together in the same
house in order to raise their son Jonah together.
In other words, it might be the most amicable divorce-non-divorce in history.
“We grieved a lot of our relationship so long ago, this is just sort of marking the time,” Valerie said.
Divorce often gets ugly and expensive. Even actress Gwyneth Paltrow and
Coldplay frontman Chris Martin decided to “consciously uncouple” earlier
this year.
The Tates, who went with their own version of "uncoupling," believed
this was a way to break up their marriage without animosity, but it
required an unconventional approach -- Clark and Valerie still live
together in the same house, with separate bedrooms, and maintain joint
assets, but have an open marriage, meaning they date other people.
“We started talking about the possibility of dating other people,” Valerie said.
“I remember hearing it, initially being shocked,” Clark added, “And then being like, well, that sounds interesting to me, too.”
Their relationship wasn't always like this. Valerie said their wedding
was “magical” with “so much love, so much beauty.” It was her first time
walking down the aisle. It was Clark’s third. For the first few years,
the couple said they were living in love, but then they said the spark,
the intimacy started to fade.
Eventually they said their marriage started failing, but unlike about 50
percent of couples in the United States, divorce was never on the table
for them.
“I've been through that road before, and I knew the other side of it. I knew that wasn't exactly what I wanted,” Clark said.
“We weren't considering really changing the structure of our family unit,” Valerie added.
That family unit centered around their son, who they were determined to protect from their relationship failings.
“Children feel like they’re the center of the universe. They don’t
understand necessarily what’s happening, but they feel like it may be
something they did wrong,” said Dr. Janet Taylor, a New York City-based
psychiatrist.
The toll of divorce on a family is not just emotional, it’s also
financial. Couples pay an average of $50,000 to resolve contested
divorces, according to the documentary, "Divorce Corp." It’s a system,
critics say, that is structured to bleed couples of the very money and
assets they’re arguing over in court.
“The more acrimonious it is, the smaller the things the parties are
willing to fight for, the more they get to bill,” said TV’s “Divorce
Court” Judge Lynn Toler.
So for the last few months, the Tates have been experimenting with an
open marriage and Valerie has been in a serious relationship with a man
named Joseph. While it may seem weird in most households for a wife to
bring over her boyfriend, or have a boyfriend at all, Clark and Valerie
say they have worked out unwritten rules for dating.
“We give each other private time,” Valerie said. “Maybe Jonah and Clark
are out of the house, or vice versa. But most of it is, private time is
spent elsewhere.”
Source:ABE News
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